I will let you in on a little secret if you promise not to tell anyone: I am not a very patient person. I know, I know I hide It very well. I have perfected the patient look while inside I am screaming and whining and such (See this post about my temper tantrums). Ok, maybe that wasn’t such a big secret after all, but none the less, it is quite true.
The past few days I have been noticing more and more that I am placed in situations where I am very obviously one of the only people in the room that is not a parent. I try my hardest to smile at the right time, participate in the conversation when I have something to add, and pretty much yell at myself to try to be patient just a little longer. Something has changed in me, as if someone has flipped a switch, and now I find it very difficult to be in a room full of parents talking about their children when I have nothing to add.
It is not that the people I am around aren’t great parents, they truly are awesome and I hope to learn a lot from them as I get further along in this parenting thing. It’s not that they aren’t respectful about the fact that I don’t have kids yet, they are always very nice and polite and supportive. In all honesty, it has absolutely nothing to do with them at all and everything to do with me.
Something switched lately and I now think of myself not as only a wife, counselor, friend, daughter, ect but also a “mother in waiting” very much like a pregnant woman waiting on the birth of her first child. The only difference is I have absolutely no control or knowledge of the time frame the child will arrive and will get more than one at the same time (a houseful probably).
To everyone else I may be a wife that simply filled out some paperwork and is looking into adoption, to me I am a mom. I just haven’t found my kids/gotten everything ready for my kids to come home yet. This may be weird sounding and I don’t know if other adoptive parents feel this way, but it is definitely how I feel.
With that said, the reason that it is so difficult for me in large groups of parents that are talking about their kids is that I feel so strongly that I should be one of them. Not that I want in on any and all conversations going on around me (despite what my husband or friends may say 🙂 ), it is that I know that I am being called to be a mom and I am frustrated that the calling hasn’t come to fruition yet.
I am sure I am supposed to be learning patience throughout this whole journey, but that is not one of the things that I was blessed with. I just see that I am called to be a mom, there are kids out there that need a mom, so what is the hold up? Logically I know why there are all these checks and balances (and am very glad that there are, for the sake of the kids) but emotionally I am ready to be a mom and whenever I am reminded that I have to wait longer and that I’m not yet, something hurts in my heart. I know this is teaching me a great lesson in patience and God’s timing vs. my timing, but it is just hard to see the forest through the trees right now.