Today was a very tough day for me. Heck, let’s be real, this past week or two has been hard me. The adoption process is tough for everyone that goes through it, and while I knew that, I’m having an especially difficult time right now.
What is going on really comes down to control. At this point in the process, Joel and I have done everything we can from paperwork to meetings to trainings of a wide variety of usefulness. From now until the home study is complete and we begin the matching process we are relying completely on our social worker (and more importantly on God).
As many of you know, I have had some frustrations with our agency and our new social worker lately, mainly regarding decisions and holdbacks on their end that are causing waiting on our end.
I know (logically) that I have little to no control over anything in my life. These past few weeks this fact has not only sank in logically but I have felt like I have been hit over the head with a 2×4 by the lack of control emotionally. I have also realized (once again in my life) that I am NOT GOOD with not having control! I am trying to reframe and change perspectives and put my trust in God, but when it comes down to all of those things it is hard!
It is so hard knowing my kids are out there somewhere, and there is this canyon between me and them. Just thinking of this brings tears to my eyes and I don’t even know these kids yet! Am I completely bonkers?
Anyway, today was supposed to be the last home study visit and meeting with our new social worker. Without getting into too many details (don’t want to get myself into trouble by saying anything stupid while I feel like a protective Mother Bear) the social worker canceled this meeting and asked us to reschedule. We are trying to reschedule for next Tuesday (31st) which means there is a 0% chance we will be ready to be matched by August 1st, and our social worker said she “hopes” out home study will be done in August.
Anyone who knows me, or has even been reading my blog for a while knows how much I have been looking forward to matching (especially since social worker #2 out of 3 said to start looking and that we would be approved by Aug. 1st by the latest) and how hard this latest change of plans has been for me to accept.
With all this frustration and lack of control I’ve decided to start a project. No, I don’t know the age or gender of the children we will get or even the number of children, but I do know that everyone gets cold and needs blankets! Today I got yarn and am going to knit a blanket (and then multiple blankets) for the kids that will be placed with us. It will be adult sized so they can have it forever. It will be a patchwork of squares of all the colors present in the picture below. So far tonight I have gotten 1 and 1/2 squares done. At least now I feel like I’m doing SOMETHING.