This morning Joel and I woke up just a bit later than usual. I had a hard time falling asleep last night as I was so excited (read: nervous) so waking up this morning was excruciating, more so for Joel than me as he was the one who actually heard all of my alarms while I peacefully slept through them. We were able to change up the schedule because instead of commuting right away to work all we had to do was open the door for our social worker.
Today was the day of our last home study meeting. Last night we cleaned the basement and re-organized, setting up the twin bed in one spare room and now the 2 basement rooms are all empty and ready to be filled with kids stuff and, most importantly, kids.
I know that I have recently voiced my frustrations with the adoption process and the multiple changes and transitions at the agency that we are working with. Today, many of my concerns were put to rest and my questions were answered. Our social worker is amazing (she will have to be to put up with an overprotective adoptive mother like me!) and I understand where the delay is coming into play. I am still frustrated, but I feel at peace with it, I know that kids will come in God’s time and no agency upheaval will do anything to change how things will end up for our family.
We, once again, we through the house and we asked questions. There were a couple of things that our social worker is checking into to see if we have to change (right class of fire extinguisher, door to garage needs to self-shut) and a couple of things Joel and I needed to to (get records faxed from our doctors, and get personal references) and then the waiting starts.
Wait a minute, I can hear you thinking, haven’t I been
complaining whining discussing how difficult the waiting has been and how I have been trying to cope with it. I am now starting to realize that the waiting I have been dealing with was the little leagues and now Joel and I have been upgraded to the big leagues, waiting wise that is. After I finish my short list of to-do items from the social worker that I got today, I will quite literally have nothing adoption related to do.
The social worker says the home study will be done in September. I know that is a long time to wait and I thought that I would be mad and frustrated about waiting, and while I am frustrated I am also at peace about waiting. I am beginning to realize that this is real. Not that I thought it was all made up before but it is starting to sink in now.
I have a lot to do to get myself ready to be a mom. I feel in my heart like a mom and I love those kids like crazy, but like a woman that is 7 months pregnant and ready for her child but not ready to be a mom I feel conflicted. This wait will be good for me to prepare to be a mom. My heart is all ready to let these kids in and love them, but I think the rest of me needs some time to prepare for being a mom. I have been so focused on getting the home study done and completing all these to-do lists and check-lists that I have been completely neglecting preparing myself for this huge life change. I always figured that my heart is ready and that is all that is needed. I am beginning to realize that there is more to parenting that love and an open heart.
I hate this waiting, yes hate is the right word, but I feel a peace about it that is beyond understanding and I am so thankful to God for that peace. However, I am beginning to understand that I need to do more to get ready for the kids then I thought before. So to be honest, I need another month or so. If I need that time to get myself ready so I can be the best mom that I can be for those kids, then so be it.
Also, this is all new to me and all I know is that I need to get ready in more ways than just in my heart. I will gladly accept any and all ideas on how exactly to do that! 🙂
Until next time, I will be knitting, preparing and (of course) waiting!