First off an adoption paperwork update: The only thing left on the social worker lit is Joel employment verification. They sent it a while ago and the lady that does it at Joel’s office is gone until Oct. 1st (tomorrow!) Once all the paperwork gets in the social worker will add us to her list to write up the home study (the last thing needed before being able to be matched).
Anyway, throughout this adoption journey there have been a lot of emotions: frustration, excitement, heartbroken, confused, joyful, motherly, expecting, and many more that I cannot put into words.
The past week or more I have noticed a new, and I must say unexpected emotion. Anger. I have felt so angry about so many parts of this adoption process and my to-be children’s lives before the adoption process ever got involved. This anger has been so intense at times and directed at so many people.
I am angry at my social worker and my adoption agency for the delays that have been put into place in our adoption journey. Things that I would give people grace for, I do not give them/her grace due to my anger.
I am angry with a system that seems to be set up to make it difficult for parents who want to open their homes and their hearts to children and form a family.
I am so unbelievably angry with a birth family that did not protect my to-be children, but in turned either harmed them, neglected them, or left them open to harm from others. This is what makes me the most angry. No children should ever be subjected to such treatment.
This anger is so hard to shake. But being the good counselor I am I know that my anger is really just a cover for a different emotion. Even though I logically knew this, but my anger was and is very strong that I simply could not tell what emotion was under it. However I think I have finally figured it out. I am heartbrokenly sad. I am heartbroken that not just my children, but any children have had to live through abuse and neglect, have had to be taken from their homes and living through life without parents or grandparents or extended family, and have had to be moved from home to home. I am heartbroken that some of these children simply age out of the system with no family to call their own, no safety net, no anything to fall back on. I am heartbroken that there is not much much more that I can do.
I have been on the verge of praying for God to harden my heart from these realities many a time lately. I know I tend to feel things strongly and I believe that God gave me a open a loving heart so that I may feel others’ pain in order to help them through it. If I am being completely honest, some days this sucks! But I know that I cannot help my children wade through the muck and mud unless I am ready to first sit with them in it.
For now I thank God for my very well-working heart of love, and ask for forgiveness for the anger that I harbor. I am still heartbroken that there are kids out there without parents and a loving forever home. Mostly, tonight I am heartbroken that my children are still out there some where tonight without a forever home. I pray that they feel God’s presence with them. I wish that they were here and that I could tuck them into their beds and give them a great big hug!
At church today, we talked about letting go of burdens that God never meant for us to carry. I feel pretty confident that God never meant for me to carry the burden of the pain of my children’s life before coming home with me. There will be plenty of burdens that I was made to carry. I am hoping that the anger and sadness I feel will decrease as I try to lay that burden down.