Waiting is Harder now!

So, I have been very absent from the blog lately for a lot of reasons lately. First off, during the matching process I am very unsure why i cannot write ever little bit of information I can what I can and cannot share. Secondly, the real reason why the blog has been absent for almost a month is that I have been having such a wide range of reactions to becoming a mom!

First I will update you on the progress with information I feel confident I can share. The two girls that we were matched with are 3 and 6 years old, and have some behavior issues. The process will be far from normal (it wouldn’t be any other way with Me and Joel 🙂 ) with these two girls. The social workers are looking for an adoptive home PENDING termination of parental rights (TPR) at the end of november. The unusual part is if the rights are not terminated they will no longer be available for adoption, so we wait. We Pray everyday that God works in their lives and brings them to wherever they need to go. While we pray we continue to submit the paperwork they need and follow up with our social worker, and (of course) wait and wait and then wait some more. But this time we are not waiting for some required paperwork to get sent or the home study to be completed. We are waiting on 2 living breathing children that need a home. This is so much harder than the waiting before. I did think (somewhat naively) that once we got the home study completed and submitted on children the wait would be easier. For all those that have yet to get this far in the journey, that is not true!

And we continued waiting until this past Monday when we got an email from our social worker asking if we would be interesting in putting in our home study in on a sibling group of a boy and a girl with developmental delays. Joel and I thought long and hard on this and but had to say no. (I have to admit how tremendously (read: crying in bed) hard this was for me. I have been blessed with a wonderful uncle who has taught be so much about how to treat people that cannot talk for themselves who just so happens to be developmentally disabled. Joel and I want to be honest about what special needs we can and cannot parent while still taking care of ourselves, so we said no. I firmly believe that if these were the children for us, God would have put a burden on our hearts for them and we would have said yes, but that was not so. I guess I just feel so guilty, like it was saying no to my uncle (which I would never do!)

I never realized how hard it would be to be faced with information about children in foster care that need parents (knowing that you are “parents” needing kids) but you say no nonetheless. That is just heartbreaking. That is the worst part of this whole process, by a million fold! I kept thinking, why can’t we adopt them, why can’t we adopt them all? Why can’t I save all of them? Why can’t I just give them all what they need? In my heart I truly believe that even 1 child without parents and without a home is way too many! However, I know that I would not be able to do that and be the best for the children (or myself, or Joel). But I cannot say that the very strong need to help and protect desire is now gone, nope it is still there and going strong.

So, during the 4 days Joel and I wrestled with what to decide on the sibling group with developmental delays and how to explain this to our social worker we waited to get back to her. On Thursday of this week she called to see what our thoughts were about the sibling group she emailed us about. I explained what our thoughts were regarding developmental delays. I thought the conversation would be over at that point. Of course not, nothing can be quick and simple in our adoption process But no, she had something more to discuss with us.

Jenny, our social worker told us that thursday morning she present us at a meeting of social workers and also heard about a sibling group that is new to the system and wanted to submit our home study too. I spoke with her about our initial desire to wait and see what happened with the two little girls from up north. Our social worker let us know that nothing was likely to happen with any other children we would submit our home study on before we find out about the girls. The new sibling group is two boys aged 9 and 11 whose goal was recently changed to adoption and have and I quote “no special needs or behavior issues besides normal grief and loss and sibling rivalry”. I strongly disagree with this statement even though I do not know anything more about them (similar to the girls when we first heard about them) but how can children at any age go through get taken from their home and family, living in the foster care system, and have parental rights terminated and not have ANYTHING? no attachment complications, no transition problems, no nothing? I find that extremely hard impossible to believe. In the end, Joel and I decided to submit our home study on these boys as well and wait and see what happens.

I’m tired for the day, so the next post with have to be about my emotional reaction to this whole me getting kids thing!

 

 

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2 thoughts on “Waiting is Harder now!

  1. It is exhausting. Take the time you need. Blogging has helped me process so much, and I’ve been so grateful for all the support this community has offered me. I can only imagine the added pressure you feel when saying yes or no because you are looking at adoption as the goal. It’s so permanent. I’ll be honest – when we said yes to a sibling group of six, my hubby and I had already decided that it was yes all the way, even it came to adoption. But when the social worker said that she didn’t know yet if it was even likely to head to adoption, I felt some relief. We hadn’t even met them yet so adopting seemed quite scary then. Of course now, after living with and loving them for two years, I can’t help but feel loss and disappointment that my time with them didn’t last longer. Once they are your children, they are yours and you will love them forever and always. Blessings as you traverse this hard time of waiting. But try to enjoy it, because the next stage – adjusting to life with kids – will be even more exhausting (but also more rewarding and fulfilling).

  2. Oh I SO hear you about the saying no! It is SO painful to acknowledge that we are not the super heroes we want to be. No matter how much compassion we may feel, we cannot parent every child that needs a parent. As cold and harsh as it seems, as guilty as we feel, we cannot take on more than we are truly capable of dealing with, or else we do both ourselves and those children a grave disservice. Yet as objective and reasonable as that sounds, it doesn’t erase the hurt. HUGS! As hard as it may seem, try to remind yourself to focus on the fact that you will be helping some children. Maybe the boys, maybe the girls, maybe a different set entirely. But you will be helping some children, and you will be the right parents for *them* and they will be the right children for you. And that is all you can do. More hugs! 🙂

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