I have been avoiding writing and updating here, not because I’ve been down (which I have but more to come of that later) but because as each minute/hour/day passes I think if I wait a little longer I will be able to post some news (any news!!). But today I realized that I am striving to be open and honest about the WHOLE process, even the parts you don’t want to think about, really experience at all, let alone talk about. I am in one of those parts right now.
For those family and friends that read this I will start off by say we still do not have any news. Once we do you just know the entire world will know (wether they want to or not!)
So last I posted we were waiting and I was trying my hardest to stay busy. That was the first possible day we would hear. Maybe it was wrong to get my hopes up that we would hear then but the girls’ social worker said that she would speak with their therapist and make a decision ASAP. I am beginning to learn that my version of ASAP may be a bit different the a government employee version when it is quickly approaching 2 holidays in a row. Still, I let myself get excited and anticipate the call non-the-less.
As the days continued on, and my phone continued to make noise after noise, I have to admit I slowly became less able to handle the stress well. After video games (actually, in addition to) I tried cleaning. Cleaning to someone with OCD looks like this:
This was actually super fun to do and not the only thing I did but more pictures of things with labels on them and organized would make me look a bit crazy. 🙂 I told myself I had been meaning to do it (I had) and I probably won’t have as much free time when we get kids so better do it now. Along with vacuuming baseboards and dusting ceiling fans (on vaulted ceilings).
These things worked to keep my mind active. However, whenever my mind and/or body was at rest I started thinking about the kids, the two lovely girls that I want to desperately to call my children, who have two other families possibly feeling the same way as Joel and I do.
And then I started to feel frustrated and sad. Why couldn’t they just make a decision and tell us?!? Even if they go to someone else, I will mourn the loss of this family I’ve created in my head revolving around these 2 girls and that will suck majorly, but I know at the end of the day their needs will be met and they will be loved by any of the families.
I can say that and type that but I know if I comes to that it will be near heartbreaking. And to be honest I don’t know how else it can be. You hear about kids in need, you think about if they would be a good fit in your home, you learn more about them and as you get further and interview you start to picture your life, your day to day activities with these specific kids with you. I believe that God has truly called my family to this and blessed us in even being considered. I simply cannot justify closing off my heart to these young girls or any others. Yes I know this may lead to more heart ache and anxiety and above all vulnerability, but so what. Here these kids are being judged but possible parents on every tantrum they have thrown in care so who am I to get all protective about not wanting to be vulnerable.
But to be honest, that’s what it is. As the wait gets longer and longer I am beginning to realize just how vulnerable I am right now. I have chosen to be open about my adoption journey but I don’t think that adds much to the vulnerability I’m experiencing.
I am vulnerable because I have a want that feels a lot like a need and I have expressed it to many people. That want/need is to have children. I am vulnerable due to the way we have been called to fulfill this want/need. I am vulnerable because I have no idea what reaction I will get from people about this want/need or the way we are meeting it, be that family, friends, social workers, or employers. I am vulnerable because someone else chooses the family the kids we show interest in will go to. I am vulnerable because I have expressed a strong desire to adopt a specific sibling group. I am vulnerable because in an interview for that group it was
painfully obvious clear how strong the desire was to offer a home, but more importantly a family to these girls. I am mostly vulnerable because I, like the children I will adopt, have a difficulty trusting others with things that are valuable to me and nothing is more valuable than being matched with, meeting, and bringing home God’s perfectly found children for us.
So this week and a couple of days has been hard, any mention of kids and I was bawling. Seriously, the song Silent Night that talks about baby Jesus and I had to leave the main church area on Christmas Eve. For anyone that has not yet gone through this and maybe anyone that has can back me up: this time sucks. All the rush of getting paperwork in and matching and interviewing and now the waiting, even though you are closer than you have ever been before! But have strength and peace (That is what I pray for ever night: strength and peace for the next day) for the wait must surely be worth it!!!!