Here is the update: Still waiting!!! It’s getting really hard because it is now after termination. As I said last time the decision has been made, yet we don’t know what the decision was. We don’t know if the parental rights have been terminated or not. Basically that is the decision that decides whether these kids are adoptable or not. I have been trying so hard to be patient, but today I just couldn’t do it. I emailed our social worker and then later in the day I called the office. When I called, I ended up speaking with our social worker’s supervisor (as she was the one that answered the phone, I was NOT trying to cause waves) and she let me know that they had not heard about any decision being made (and she sounded a bit frustrated as well). I apologized about bugging them so much but she seemed to completely understand and said to call whenever (Don’t worry I won’t actually call whenever I want as that would be every hour!)
During the last month or so people have been saying that they are so proud of me (Joel too) for waiting so patiently, or so well, or you know, just still walking around with an unexploded head during this whole process. They feel frustrated and are on the edge of their seats just waiting to hear something, so they understand a fraction of what we are going through every day. While I am also very proud of the waiting I’ve been doing, at the same time I need to say that I’m not doing as well as I present somedays. I have breakdowns daily, if not more, from just the sheer anxiety and burden of waiting and having this on my mind 24 hours a day seven days a week.
I have to admit that at the beginning of this journey, this waiting was a lot easier, mainly it was a lot easier to put faith and trust in God and know He was in control. When we had just begun and we were waiting with paperwork and I thought that was hard but now it’s even harder (which I didn’t think that would even be possible). Lately everything has just gotten increasingly hard, especially when it comes to trusting God that He is can control that it’s not the social workers or even the judge who are deciding whether not we get these kids.
So that’s where I was at emotionally when I went to church last Sunday. And it was just totally appointed that we were talking about prayer, the types of prayer and how prayer brings you closer to God. Our paster talked about petition prayers and thanksgiving prayers and I realized how I never really figured out how to get beyond the these to types of prayers and never to the prayer where you just listen to God. At the end of the service the pastor talked about three practical ways to improve your prayer life (To hear the sermon click the above link and go to sermons).
Today I started: I had picked out a Bible reading plan, had an accountability partner, and had a place in my room that was quiet. According to my reading plan I was going to be reading Matthew chapter 1. It started out with a genealogy from Abraham to Jesus, and I will admit, usually I skip right through all of the genealogies because I find them a little boring. I know, I know, as a Christian I’m not supposed to say anything in the Bible is boring but I want to just skim through them because I can’t really see what the purposes is. I’m not a scholar, I’m not a historian trying to track Jesus’ life in historical or biblical context. I’m not trying to do anything like that, I’m just trying to get closer to God and attempt to listen to what he is saying. Well, anyway today instead of reading the Bible on my own, I had my phone read to me as I listened through all of the names that I couldn’t pronounce on my own. The genealogy went from Abraham all the way to Jesus. After A while I noticed just how many names actually were there: 42 generations!! God made a promise to Abraham all the way back in Gen 12:3 “And I will bless those who bless you, And the one who curses you I will curse you. And in you all the families of the earth will be blessed.” 42 generations later Jesus was born and has been a blessing to all families of the earth and provided a means of salvations.
I say all that to say this. I have become frustrated with the situation, and yes with God several times throughout this process. I felt that God had laid this calling, this burden, on my heart and then sort of left me with this heavy heart for kids without parents and no way to get to those kids. I felt like God had forgotten about me. When reading and meditating on this Bible reading it hit me. God didn’t forget about the promise he made to Abraham. There were 42 generations that had sinned and gone away from God. Yet, Jesus was still born, and still from Abraham’s bloodline.
If God didn’t forget in 42 generations, I simply cannot believe that he forgot about me and the burden on my heart for parentless children in MN. Today, that is a comforting thought.