Defenseless Heart

First off, I know that everyone reading this will be very curious about the status of the adoption process. Let me put your minds to rest by letting you know that we know nothing! Ok, that is not FACTUALLY true, but it sure FEELS true!! Everything is basically the same as the last post, we are not parents and no closer really. My patience broke on Monday and I emailed our social worker to see if she had heard anything, who in turned emailed one of the boys’ workers. In record time (2 hours, which is like 2 seconds in foster care time) our social worker got a response that the boy’s workers are all meeting with the other family sometime this week and “will determine next steps after that meeting”. So we wait, yet again. And this time I am doing better waiting. I mean I didn’t bother anyone from June 25th ALL THE WAY until Monday.

Adoption from foster care, or really any type of adoption is a weird endeavor. A couple (or one person) decides that they desire to provide a home for a child in need, expand their family, and know that they have enough love to go around. Social workers come into their home, measure windows, ask personal questions, require physical exams and in the end condense all of this information into the Holy Grail of the adoption world, the Home Study. The couple goes to countless classes about topics ranging from dynamics of abuse to how to install a car seat to how to not shake a baby. Once there is a potential match, the couple sends their home study to complete strangers to read all about their most personal and intimate information to decide if the strangers think the couple should parent the kids in question. If the strangers like what they see in the home study the call the couple in to meet with them. Usually they sit across a conference table from the couple and ask detailed questions about all the questionable or troublesome parts of the home study. If the couple and the strangers get along and the couple answers “correctly” there may be more meetings. The strangers will send the couple home and say they will be in touch. The strangers will say they enjoyed the meeting, but there are other people interested in the same children. The strangers must do  their job and need to meet with all qualified people before deciding. The couple will go home feeling all sorts of emotions from excitement to anxiety to exhaustion. The strangers will go on to have the same type of meetings with the other families or couples involved leaving them with the same type of feelings. The strangers will then all meet together and decide which family would be the “best” match for the children involved. The strangers then tell all the families/couples involved. The couples wait by their phones, jumping excitedly every time it rings just to hear the decision of strangers. The couple that was the “best” match is overjoyed, excited, and nervous to begin their parenting journey. All other couples are devastated.

How someone could go through the journey I have described about without a belief and faith in God is completely beyond me. To go through all the ups and downs of the adoption journey without the faith in God’s will and love for his children would be even more heart wrenching than the journey already is. I am so glad to be sharing this journey with my family and friends but most of all with the knowledge that God is with me and fighting for me and my children (whoever and where ever they are). Even knowing that, days still get hard and I fall into the thought process that strangers get to decide who my kids are and when I will get them. I get frustrated and I lose hope.

Lately however, I have an abundance of hope. I cannot adequately describe with words my emotional state. I feel like my heart is going through the preparations to become a mom. It is this that I wanted to document. Going through this whole process has made me excited, happy, heart broken, protective, and sad. But most of all, it has made me want to protect and defend my heart. When Joel and I submitted our names on these two boys that we are waiting to hear on I “decided” that I would be cautiously excited but basically guard my heart until we knew for sure.

I had thought that I was doing a good job at this, was actually proud of myself. Oh Katie, how naive you are. My heart was getting attached without ever letting my brain in on the secret. I came to realize this when my heart decided to enlighten me in a very abrupt way. I was in a meeting for work talking about attachment based counseling and the impact of abuse. My supervisor mentioned on result of abuse and my immediate, involuntary thought was “My baby had that!” Needless to say, I was quick taken aback. Without my knowledge or express permission my heart became attached to these boys and began to think of them of my children. Its not that I wanted to not attach at all, I was just concerned how I would feel if another family got chosen and I was attached. I talked to some people wiser than me and have come to realize just how natural this attachment is. I mean, if you think about it you want people to be adopting from foster care who can open their hearts up to kids in need. If people DIDN’T get attached during the wait, that would bad.

So basically we are waiting on the strangers to meet with the other couple, all the while God knows exactly who our kids are and when we will meet them and my heart thinks it needs to be involved as well and we wait.

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