Not a mom, again…

I am just writing to let you know that we found out yesterday evening that we were not chosen to be the parents for the 2 boys from south MN. To say that we are heart broken would be an understatement. In my heart I had already begun to love the boys, how do you grieve for that? How selfish does it feel to be sad for 2 boys who family get a loving family, just not with you? Let me know you as I know, it feels SOOOO selfish! Yet sadness and grief is what I feel. I yet again see the loss of the image of myself as a mother and Joel as a father, us as parents. I feel grief over, basically everything that could have been.

I simply cannot explain how heart wrenching this whole process is and THERE IS NOTHING THAT I CAN DO ABOUT IT! I can’t wave my magic wand and have a child in our house, I can’t (really I could but I won’t) kidnap a child and attempt to evade the law, and right now I can’t biologically have a child due to my medications and my mental health. I can’t change my mental health and won’t go off meds to have kids. We don’t have tons of money, or the desire to adopt from oversees (We dislike long plane rides) and feel pulled to help closer to home. Yet, here we are, 2 years in, with no children in our home. We have had 1 girl for a respite weekend (more on that later) and that is it! No foster care placements, no other respite, and no pre-adoptive placements. So far I’m having to get my child fix by “borrowing” children at church to sit with me (thank you patient parents of said children)!

It is so tiring and frustrating to have such a heavy burden on your heart to be a parent and yet have no feasible ability to achieve this goal, and all attempts have been thwarted. Today it feels like we are never going to be parents. That this burden on my heart is a big practical joke played by God to see how much one person can handle before they break. Logically, I know that our God is loving and kind, but today that is not how it feels and I also know that God can handle all my emotions because he created them.

I thought we were finally seeing the answer to all our prayers and the reasons behind the waiting and everything we have gone through, but no there is more waiting and praying to be done. Today I just feel like my faith is gone and so is my strength, so I’m hoping that my family and friends will hold onto faith and strength for me until I get mine back.

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One thought on “Not a mom, again…

  1. Oh Katie! My heart is breaking for you! I have no words … no words can stop the pain, …………..but I do want you to know that it is okay to grieve. Those boys may finally have a family, but you have also lost a dream. A very important, very dear dream for your own life. You can grieve your own loss without discrediting the joy you also feel in knowing they are no longer parentless. The two are not mutually exclusive. It’s just a paradox of pain and joy. One doesn’t exclude the other, so please allow yourself to grieve without adding guilt to the mix.

    The song you shared…perfect. I hope you don’t mind, but I’m going to share that song on my blog as well. It’s just so perfect. Thank you for sharing it.

    I don’t know if it will help you right now, but I have found the story of Joseph comforting lately. I look at his life and everything he had to go through to wind up in his position beside Pharaoh – to wind up in a position to help all those people survive a famine. When I think of how he must have felt during the dark times, not knowing how his story would end… we as readers have the privilege of being able to see the dots of his life connected by God. It reminds me that although all I can see is dots, God knows how they are connected and why they are important. It reminds me that this chaos as I see it, is just God’s painting, his plan, in progress. Not to say that it makes things suck any less as I’m going through them… but somehow, it has helped a little to remember that. So I thought I’d share it, in case it helped you at all. *Hugs.* and of course, prayers.

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