For those of you that know me in real life or have been following my blog for any length of time you are well aware that I have trouble being patient and waiting on God. In general that is hard for me, but today I got the clearest picture of what I have been doing in my relationship with God. It came as I was driving and listening to some new christian music (well, new to me). As I was driving and listening to some new music I was thinking and praying over my life and especially over tomorrow. Above all I want to be able to walk into the room at 3pm tomorrow and have peace in my heart. I want to say (and MEAN) that I completely trust God to know and find my kids for me. Some days I hold too tightly to my pride and my will. While listening to this song I could see what was going on in a way that was made me understand.
Here is the song:
Ok, so here is the picture I got in my mind: There is a young girl, maybe 2 or 3 at the oldest with her hands full of her most prized possessions. These possessions are the things the young girl loves most in the whole wide world, they are her everything. She shielded them from the rain and the snow, she made space for them next to her in her bed at night, she set them in a chair next to her while she eats, they are never out of her sight. She never lets anyone hold them, too afraid that someone might break, bend, or scratch her prized possessions.
One day she meets this man. He is a loving and caring man who would do anything for her, only she doesn’t know that. She has no idea that he is protecting her the same way that she is protecting her prized items. She and the man begin to talk and play together. She begins to trust him and one day she tells him about her prized possessions, and even shows them to him! She was nervous so the most important things she placed in the bottom of the pile, but out of sight of the man. She, even in her 2 year old mind, knew that she could handle being judged on what she wanted and loved most in the whole world. She hadn’t showed them to anyone before! He didn’t laugh at their worthlessness or silliness, but looked on with the same awe that the girl looked at them with. The man knew full well that she buried the most valuable and also knew what it was.
The girl and the man kept building their relationship and the girl was more open with showing her prized items to the man, until he had seen them all. She trusted him now. Then one day comes along and the little girl gets so thirsty, she needs a drink of water, but her hands are full. She can’t put down her prized items and no one else has ever held them for her. Quietly the man stands there, patiently waiting with his hands held out. The girl looks to the glass of water, to the items in her hands, to the man. She is unsure.
Maybe she can pick up the water if she hands over a couple of her items. She has to choose what to hand over. The little girl hands over her bouncy ball and her barbie to the man’s waiting hands. She has one hand free now. She reaches for the glass of water with her free hand. In her other hand she holds the item she hid on her first meeting with the man, her lego house.
Her lego house is the item that sleeps next to her head on her pillow, shares her car seat, and sits next to her plate on the table while she eats. She spent hours picking the right sizes, shapes, and colors of legos for the perfect house. Many times she was holding it and forgot how delicate it can be and broke it, resulting in some much needed comfort.
You see, it became clear to me while listening to that song that God’s hands formed the ENTIRE world! ALL of it. He literally formed the mountains and me! Yet I am still unsure that he can hold my prized items without breaking them. How silly is that? Seeing it in that frame of reference makes all the difference for me. It’s not God that is going to break the prized items, it is the clumsy, sinful, human that will break the prized items.
The items that I need to let go of is the adoption. It’s the buried item that I have spent hours thinking about and planing for. There is also so much pride and will involved in this process. So much of my thinking about the adoption and foster care process has been: “If I can do….. then I can get….” I was attempting to build and rebuild and protect my own lego house. I would give God the other things and sometimes let him hold the lego house for like 1 or 2 minutes but never for long periods of time.
It is my now constant prayer to give God the lego house, I want what God has for me and I want to be closer to God. I know that God will always be with me. And if the lego house one day seems broken, it is not because God did a bad job of holding it, it is because I cannot see the whole house while it is still being built.