About a week ago I wrote about letting God have control and putting my trust in him. I think about trusting God like I think about a child letting someone hold their precious belongings, for more you can read the post here.
Well, it has been exactly a week since that post, 6 days since the interview, and 5 days since finding out the kids’ social workers were going to interview one other family yet considered us a “strong option”. So far, God still has the Lego House, but it is super hard not to say “God look, a genocide!” and then steal the lego house (not to joke about genocide, but that’s how anxious I am!) However, God being God would probably see that coming! In the end I want God to have my Lego House and I want God’s pick for our kids to be the ones we get.
Somedays it is just easier in my human mind to say, never mind God this waiting is hard, I just want to love these 3 kids. I get WAY ahead of myself and start thinking how I will decorate rooms and how to change work schedule so I can be home during the work day with them (those that aren’t in school). I want to start thinking about what it will be like to be a parent. What will shopping with 3 kids look like, how will we do this, or that? Holy buckets and what about laundry!!!! I want to plan fun crafts to do together to begin to decorate their rooms.
Than I have to remind myself of the thought that I don’t want to think. They aren’t my kids, and they may never be. These kids may be destined for another amazing family. These kids who my heart has already started to love, who I have prayed for multiple times every day since first hearing about them, may never see my face. This thought is the truth about foster care adoption that prospective parents don’t want to think about let alone talk about. This is the part that hurts. This is the part where you want to begin your happily ever after as a family, though you know there will be challenges, and yet there may be no ever after with THESE particular kids.
So I want to steal back my lego house and say yes these will be my kids, MY will be done. I want this, I deserve this, I will be a great mom damn it!!!!! That’s what I want to say, what my pride says to say, what my impatience pushes me to do. Yet there is this peace inside of me (DEEP inside, currently buried in anxiety) that I can feel. I don’t want to rely on myself because when I do that, when I steal my lego house, when I say how much I deserve this, that peace gets smaller and smaller. I want that peace to get so big that it fills me and overflows so that the people around me can feel it. Maybe it is out of selfishness for the peace, but the only way I know for the peace to grow bigger is to give my worries to God. So He has my Lego House, and my prayers for HIS will to be done, including not giving us these kids (and stepping in to make sure we don’t get these kids) if these are not the kids that He wants for us. This is not easy, it is super hard and heartbreaking knowing that I am placing my most valuable desire in someone else’s hands. bust rest-assured Katie, they are not just anyone’s hands, they are God’s. If he found you Joel, he can find you kids!