They Don’t Know?!?!?!?!

Today is a wonderful day! Today our youngest two children, C and P, move in full-time or as they say “forever”. We spent the day unpacking, hanging out, and we even braved grocery shopping with the younger two. We figured it would be better than grocery shopping with all 3 just quite yet.

Then C, P, AND momma took a nap. I was so excited/terrified/anxious about today that I got a total of 3 hours sleep and still got up at 6:30am. I guess I really am a mom now! The nap was WONDERFUL!!!!! After the nap we unpacked some more and then picked up S from school. When we got home, we told S that since she has all week off next week (that is a whole other post, 9 days with 3 newly placed kids!) that she didn’t have to do her homework today and that we would work on it throughout the next vacation week. She was, needless to say, excited!

I was glad to tell you something to make her happy, but we also had a big night planned. In honor of our new kids we were going to go swimming at a local hotel pool after dinner. Now we are watching a movie to wind down the night. Showers are done, swimming was awesome. Minor disagreements here and there but overall really good and NO storming off and crying (yet, I know the day is not over). We are all going through a big adjustment, but seems to be doing well.

One thing did happen today that stopped me in my tracks and made my heart break. I was helping C unpack her room, she saw something her bio-mom gave her and said that her bio-mom promised to give her a dress of the same color the next time she saw her. C then asked when she would see her bio-mom again.

I have two thoughts resulting from this question:

1. How confusing this is for my little C. How many losses she has already experienced and now she loses someone important from her past through no fault of her own. My heart breaks for all that she has to go through. Oh how I wish that the world was different and that my children never needed me! That may sound weird, but if they could have been spared the pain and trauma and not been my kids that would be best. However, the world we live in sucks sometimes! I am so glad that they found their way into our lives, but oh the hurt they have had to experience.

2. What the heck social workers?!?!?!?! This is the second conversation I have had on this topic, one with C and one with S. Isn’t that a usual conversation that is had with children being placed for adoption. I know in some cases contact with birth family will continue, in our case however, it will not due to safety and emotional health concerns. Why is it up to me, the adoptive parent, to tell my children that they cannot have contact with their birth family. It feels like that leaves me, the new parent, to be the one cutting off contact with old family. How I  have been handling this is telling the kids what I know (that there is no contact with birth family) and that I don’t know the exact reasons, just that the judge and social workers made the decision. We have a meeting coming up with our two social workers and I have informed them that the kids have questions about this and let them know what I told the kids. I let C and S know that any questions they have they can ask the social workers. I also said how sad I was for them, that it was hard to not be able to talk to them or see them or send things to them. But that I was happy that I get to take care of them. How I was happy and sad at the same time.

Hoping that we continue to get adjusted to this big transition!

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2 thoughts on “They Don’t Know?!?!?!?!

  1. I wonder if maybe C really was told about not being able to see bio-mom anymore, but is just too young to be able to wrap her head around the concept yet. I imagine she will continue to ask you when she can see her bio-mom again. That’s the hardest thing…in most of these cases, the bio parents were so incredibly cruel and/or neglectful to their children, but the kids continue to love them and hold them in their hearts.

  2. Sounds like a good answer. And I agree that it was best to put it back on the social workers. They need to be the ones to answer for those hard things, even though it wasn’t their fault either. They need to partner with you to allow you to be the “good guy ” and they can be the “bad guy” in any situation related to their past. I agree with the previous comment, though, that no matter how well the workers handle it, that question is not going to just disappear.

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