This is not part of my plan!

Like any human, especially one with OCD, I have lived my life with plans. Plans of how things would go including going to college and graduate school, getting married (maybe), having kids. I have pictured in my head a hundred thousand times what my life would look like at various points. The life I am living today doesn’t even come close to the life I imagined.

I thought and planned for the following events:

  • Graduating
  • Getting a full time job
  • Getting Married (Maybe)
  • Having lifelong contact with great
  • Traveling the world
  • Working to benefit others
  • Living in MN
  • And a million other small things I can’t even put into words

Today when thinking about how my adoption expectations have changed I realized how different my life is than I planned and wanted it to be.

I thought I would have biological children (and not be on meds that would make this impossible)

I thought I would be the first and only mother my children would have

I thought that it would be easily to instill basic values and beliefs in my children.

Instead I am the 3rd (at the minimum) mother figure that has been in my children’s lives. Years and years of unspeakable abuse and neglect took place before I knew anything about my kids. Things I can never erase. Sometimes it leaves me thinking that this is not what I signed up for/wanted. Somedays it is harder to relate to/attach/like all of my kids. Somedays I overreact or have no idea what to do next.

 

 

 

 

 

But that is NOT the end of this post. All of those things are true, so very true, but there is more. There is something so important as to be  vital information to share. My plans, my thoughts have not been achieved, not even in the least. But I follow an amazing God whose plans are MUCH better than mine! Instead of the plans I have had in the past, do not even compare to the life I am living. Sure it is heart wrenching and hard and exhausting some (read most) days, but there is NO WHERE ELSE I would rather be. God had plans that I could not even imagine. There is more love and support in my life than I ever dreamed possible. No matter what hardships I go through (and I am sure there will be more) I know that even though these were NO WHERE in my plan, I would choose God’s plan time and again as it got me here. Here sitting in my living room watching my 3 year old amazing son play while his two sisters, my daughters are in school. Here, waiting for a husband who loves me and treats me SO GOOD to get home. Here with the knowledge that should I need anything I have countless friends and family that would be there for me.

No this is not how I planned it, but I am SOOO glad that my plans did not work out. Even on days like the one I wrote about last time. Even when I don’t know what to do and it takes all I can do just to keep breathing. Even on those days, I thank God (or need to remind myself to do so) for each and every one of the million things that I am blessed with

Advertisements

3 thoughts on “This is not part of my plan!

  1. So true Katie, and I love how you wrote this. I feel this too. Where we are in our lives is absolutely nothing that was planned. God makes life interesting, throws curveballs when they’re intended to have some kind of meaning in our lives. We may not know what that is for years, if ever, but HE also gives us so many incredibly beautiful moments, thankful moments, and it is wise indeed to realize these moments when they’re happening, just as you do. I love you very much.

  2. Katie,
    This was just what I needed to read tonight. My life today is not what I had ever pictured growing up. It is so different. But I have such peace knowing that I am walking God’s plan for my life. But then there are days where I’m tempted to forget this.
    Today for example. I write this from the couch where I watch (or rather listen to, since it’s dark) four little people sleeping. My hubby and oldest are at a wedding. A wedding that we drove 22 hours over three days to get to. That we skipped school so that the kids could come to. We have had to shovel more snow since getting here than I’ve touched in the past five years combined (we are on the east coast, and there’s literally over two feet in the yard right now). And then to go through all of that to be sitting here and not attending said wedding. It hasn’t been my happiest evening. Why am I here? Let’s just say that I know what my kids can and cannot handle, and some days those things change. Today, a wedding was not on the “can handle” list. Much to my complete devastation. There were some tears shed as the final decision was made – mostly from me. I know you and other adoptive moms can understand. We take risks when we get our kids out of their routines and entrust them with new privileges or responsibilities. Sometimes it ends so well. Sometimes not. This was a not. I’ve been wishing for the past two hours that we had just stayed home and my husband had just flown. Ugh.
    Then I read your post. And through my tears (ok, that was just for drama, I’m way past the tears by now) I have to admit that I do agree. This is not the plan I had. But I’ll take it. And while I really wish I were at that wedding right now, I’d probably be wishing I were back here at the place we’re staying because my kids would have continued to do as they have done all day. And that would have been even more miserable than sitting here catching up on blog posts. So hey, not my first plan but at least I get an evening alone (does it still count as “alone” if they are right here but sleeping?) to connect with other mamas who’ve been there and get it. (I may have to turn this comment into a post to get more moms in on this!) But I really just wanted to thank you. You’ve helped me today. And my offer to be email friends as well as blog friends still stands! Have a wonderful weekend and Happy Valentines Day!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s