Like any human, especially one with OCD, I have lived my life with plans. Plans of how things would go including going to college and graduate school, getting married (maybe), having kids. I have pictured in my head a hundred thousand times what my life would look like at various points. The life I am living today doesn’t even come close to the life I imagined.
I thought and planned for the following events:
- Getting a full time job
- Getting Married (Maybe)
- Having lifelong contact with great
- Traveling the world
- Working to benefit others
- Living in MN
- And a million other small things I can’t even put into words
Today when thinking about how my adoption expectations have changed I realized how different my life is than I planned and wanted it to be.
I thought I would have biological children (and not be on meds that would make this impossible)
I thought I would be the first and only mother my children would have
I thought that it would be easily to instill basic values and beliefs in my children.
Instead I am the 3rd (at the minimum) mother figure that has been in my children’s lives. Years and years of unspeakable abuse and neglect took place before I knew anything about my kids. Things I can never erase. Sometimes it leaves me thinking that this is not what I signed up for/wanted. Somedays it is harder to relate to/attach/like all of my kids. Somedays I overreact or have no idea what to do next.
But that is NOT the end of this post. All of those things are true, so very true, but there is more. There is something so important as to be vital information to share. My plans, my thoughts have not been achieved, not even in the least. But I follow an amazing God whose plans are MUCH better than mine! Instead of the plans I have had in the past, do not even compare to the life I am living. Sure it is heart wrenching and hard and exhausting some (read most) days, but there is NO WHERE ELSE I would rather be. God had plans that I could not even imagine. There is more love and support in my life than I ever dreamed possible. No matter what hardships I go through (and I am sure there will be more) I know that even though these were NO WHERE in my plan, I would choose God’s plan time and again as it got me here. Here sitting in my living room watching my 3 year old amazing son play while his two sisters, my daughters are in school. Here, waiting for a husband who loves me and treats me SO GOOD to get home. Here with the knowledge that should I need anything I have countless friends and family that would be there for me.
No this is not how I planned it, but I am SOOO glad that my plans did not work out. Even on days like the one I wrote about last time. Even when I don’t know what to do and it takes all I can do just to keep breathing. Even on those days, I thank God (or need to remind myself to do so) for each and every one of the million things that I am blessed with