In the trenches

Lately I have shared about how things have been pretty tough here. Joel and I have felt like we are fighting a war, on a daily basis. Fighting against negative behaviors in our home, fighting against past trauma, fighting for our kids. It is hard to explain but when you feel like you are in the trenches long enough, things like self-care and relationship building don’t always seem like that big of a priority. We have been trying to just make it through each day. Not how we imagined we would live.

Yet I love my kids more than I can even express. I fight so hard against all of these things because I want whats best for my kids. I am fighting for them. I feel like Joel and I are waged in a battle for the outcome of our kids’ lives. Then I came to realize that the outcome is not up to me. God has entrusted these kids to me for a season, not forever. They will grow up and their lives will be in their own control. In this season it is my job to educate them, teach them right and wrong, teach them about God, and start them not he right path.

Lately I have been taking on more responsibility then I need to. Raising kids is a HUGE responsibility, don’t get me wrong, but worrying about what their life will look like in 5, 10 or even 15 years will just overwhelm and stress me out. Especially when we are dealing with some very difficult behaviors right now. I need to remind myself that I am keeping them safe, showing them love, and teaching them about their abc’s, reading, math, right and wrong, and (most importantly) God.

It is good to know what the goal is, but I need to remember that it will take a while to get there. Focus on the small, tiny victories.

Like tonight. We had a meeting to go to so the little one’s foster parents babysat the kids. I was genuinely worried that they would not want to come home with us, but they all did, with minimal tears! Anyway, on the way home we were listening to a local Christian radio station and they played this song:

S mentioned that she loved that song so I turned it up and about halfway through the song I look in my rear view mirror and S is singing her little heart out with hands raised. My heart exploded and my eyes teared up. That, that right there is worth all the hardships. Knowing my daughter is getting her needs met and learning to love God is enough for all the sleepless nights!

 

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