Lately I have been super proud of my children. I can’t even think of specific details to share really, just an overall feeling. All the kids are working on their stuff. Some hard, hard stuff. In addition to the unique stuff they are working through the everyday “stuff” of childhood. Things like sharing, being respectful, listening, having and making friends, and all that. Many, MANY things that my child do or experience on a daily basis (at least now) are standard everyday kid stuff. So much so that sometimes I forget that underneath the normal stuff is a layer of neglect and abandonment. Sometimes I react in unthinking and uncaring ways, as everyone does at times. However, for me (being the control freak perfectionist that I am) I feel more guilty than I should. I know I should brush it off, apologize and try again and I do 2 out of the 3 (with brushing it off the one that is not happening). I feel guilt because they have experienced negative horrible things that many people cannot imagine so they deserve the best, something that I can’t be all the time.
I just need to remind myself that God placed them in my life knowing who I am and how I react at times, and did so FOR A REASON. No I am not always the mother that I want to be, but heck I’m also not always the wife/daughter/sister/ect that I want to be. This life is about improving.
Improving, that’s what I am proud of. My kids are improving. They are letting me in (in their own ways) and forming a relationship with me. Yesterday while hanging out and watching TV S abruptly gave me a hug and said “I love you”. There are still issues and a long way to go, but I feel such pride and love when I see the small steps my children are making towards a healthy and happy life.