This week has been hard. Ok, really this month has been hard. The kids are done with their schools and their routines and are home all the time. They are getting to a point in therapy where things are going to continue to be getting A LOT worse before things get better. Logically I know that this is how it works, but it doesn’t make it any easier. Last night I reached a breaking point. I was just done, done with everything. All my doubts and worries weighed heavy on me and left me feeling like a horrible wife, bad friend, even worse mom, even a crappy daughter.
I felt like the only people getting any of my attention and energy are my kids. My husband, friends, and family are being thoroughly neglected. I can not even begin to imagine trying to work right now!
Really all my frustration boils down to the fact that I believe that the people in my life deserve better than I have been giving them. My husband deserves a wife who is not super ready to check out the moment he gets home, let alone after the kids go to bed! My friends deserve a friend that occasionally responds or initiates conversations. And mostly, my kids deserve so much better. Yesterday I was left feeling so sad and so broken. I thought I would be a good mom. I thought I would be planning and scheduling and doing super fun things and not getting enough of my kids, never losing my cool and getting sassy back at their sassy. I wondered (for about 10 minutes) if my kids would be better off if I gave them back. It’s not that I don’t love my kids so much, I just thought I wasn’t giving them everything they needed, so maybe someone else could? After talking with Joel (who put up with lots of sass and me trying to just push him away so I could wallow) I had a different outlook. I know that my kids are difficult and are going through a really hard time trying to figure out life and safety. I know that they behave sooooo much better for Joel than for me because they have limited experience with men but LOTS of experience with women who hurt or neglected them.
Today I don’t feel all better. I don’t think I have everything under control and know that I probably never will. I felt horribly guilty for even having the thought about giving them back, I mean what kind of mother does that make me?
But I feel like I can make it through today, and I can try to show compassion and empathy and love. I can try to let the kids know that even though I was tapped out yesterday and at my freaking wits end with all of them today I am still here. Eyes puffy from crying last night, tired from a night of no sleep, but here for them. I can show my kids that when they are scared in the middle of the night, even after a day like yesterday, they can come to me, wake me up and I will help them. I will show them that regardless of how useless, tired, and cried out I feel if there is an epic thunderstorm and none of them can sleep we will have a camp out in the living room so they can all sleep by me and feel safe. I can show them that even when I wonder if I should give them back for their own good (to have a “better” mother) I will still be there for them. Because damn it I love them. I love them when they hit me and try and throw their beds at me. I love them when they cry and scream for hours on end. I love them when they are constantly trying to prove that they know more than me. I love them and understand that they are having a hard time, but that doesn’t necessarily mean I suck at life.
I did NOT want to write this post. It is full of my worst fears. The fear that I am a bad mother, the fear that my kids whom I will give up sleep and my right arm for deserve someone better than me. The fear, that someday, people will find out that I am just an impostor trying to make everyone believe that I have this shit figured out when I SO DON’T! But then I figured, maybe someone else feels this way, and even if they don’t I can look back in a year to see how things have changed (for the kids and for me)