Feeling like giving up

This week has been hard. Ok, really this month has been hard. The kids are done with their schools and their routines and are home all the time. They are getting to a point in therapy where things are going to continue to be getting A LOT worse before things get better. Logically I know that this is how it works, but it doesn’t make it any easier. Last night I reached a breaking point. I was just done, done with everything. All my doubts and worries weighed heavy on me and left me feeling like a horrible wife, bad friend, even worse mom, even a crappy daughter.

I felt like the only people getting any of my attention and energy are my kids. My husband, friends, and family are being thoroughly neglected. I can not even begin to imagine trying to work right now!

Really all my frustration boils down to the fact that I believe that the people in my life deserve better than I have been giving them. My husband deserves a wife who is not super ready to check out the moment he gets home, let alone after the kids go to bed! My friends deserve a friend that occasionally responds or initiates conversations. And mostly, my kids deserve so much better. Yesterday I was left feeling so sad and so broken. I thought I would be a good mom. I thought I would be planning and scheduling and doing super fun things and not getting enough of my kids, never losing my cool and getting sassy back at their sassy. I wondered (for about 10 minutes) if my kids would be better off if I gave them back. It’s not that I don’t love my kids so much, I just thought I wasn’t giving them everything they needed, so maybe someone else could? After talking with Joel (who put up with lots of sass and me trying to just push him away so I could wallow) I had a different outlook. I know that my kids are difficult and are going through a really hard time trying to figure out life and safety. I know that they behave sooooo much better for Joel than for me because they have limited experience with men but LOTS of experience with women who hurt or neglected them.

Today I don’t feel all better. I don’t think I have everything under control and know that I probably never will. I felt horribly guilty for even having the thought about giving them back, I mean what kind of mother does that make me?

But I feel like I can make it through today, and I can try to show compassion and empathy and love. I can try to let the kids know that even though I was tapped out yesterday and at my freaking wits end with all of them today I am still here. Eyes puffy from crying last night, tired from a night of no sleep, but here for them. I can show my kids that when they are scared in the middle of the night, even after a day like yesterday, they can come to me, wake me up and I will help them. I will show them that regardless of how useless, tired, and cried out I feel if there is an epic thunderstorm and none of them can sleep we will have a camp out in the living room so they can all sleep by me and feel safe. I can show them that even when I wonder if I should give them back for their own good (to have a “better” mother) I will still be there for them. Because damn it I love them. I love them when they hit me and try and throw their beds at me. I love them when they cry and scream for hours on end. I love them when they are constantly trying to prove that they know more than me. I love them and understand that they are having a hard time, but that doesn’t necessarily mean I suck at life.

I did NOT want to write this post. It is full of my worst fears. The fear that I am a bad mother, the fear that my kids whom I will give up sleep and my right arm for deserve someone better than me. The fear, that someday, people will find out that I am just an impostor trying to make everyone believe that I have this shit figured out when I SO DON’T! But then I figured, maybe someone else feels this way, and even if they don’t I can look back in a year to see how things have changed (for the kids and for me)

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8 thoughts on “Feeling like giving up

  1. Hang in there! I can totally relate to where you are right now. I’ve been there. It does get easier. Every year you will be able to look back and see improvements. http://nineyearpregnancy.wordpress.com/2012/08/03/year-for-year/
    Ihttp://delanasworld.wordpress.com/2012/02/14/heart-tears/
    I know what it is like to be the one to receive all the hurt and grief and anger. I am glad I had a great support system in place (husband, kids, friends, counselors, church family, etc.). They helped me through the days/weeks/months where I wondered…questioned…came close to falling apart. Don’t ever give up! Psalm 30:5–“Weeping may endure for a night,
    But joy comes in the morning.”

  2. I have been in exactly this spot myself thinking many of these thoughts myself. It is normal so don’t beat yourself up for the thoughts. I dig deep into God when this hits because it is Satan trying to bring me down. There’s nothing he wants more than to destroy our families and us. ❤️

  3. I have been here too, it is perfectly normal and perfectly awful. We all have thoughts it is no big deal as long as you don’t act on them. Being a Mom of special needs kiddos is hard work and you are doing well even though you don’t feel it right now. Take heart you can do this.

  4. What they all said! And rumor has it that even parents who are raising their own biological children (so they have no one else to blame for behaviors, genes, or anything) feel this way at times. Thanks for writing it. I hope it was therapeutic for you, and that you’re having an easier time seeing the positive now even if you don’t necessarily feel the positive yet. Hang in there!

  5. Well, as a bio-mom, I can vouch for Instant Mama’s correct guess. I don’t think there is a mom on earth, if she’s honest, who hasn’t wondered, however briefly, if her kids wouldn’t be better off with a different mom – a “better” mom. The way I look at it is: God knew how screwed up I was before He gave me my kids, but He gave them to me anyway. I figure He has a plan for filling in the gaps and fixing my mistakes, so I just need to do my best, lean on Him, and try, TRY not to worry so much about it. 🙂 He’ll take care of the rest.

    As always, your honesty moves me. Thank you for being willing to share so much of yourself.

    Hugs!

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