What might have been…

Today I’m feeling pretty sad and defeated. I know it’s just dragons rearing their heads again today but I’m not sad just for me.

Let me back up for a minute. Pretty much everyone knows how damaging an abusive and unhealthy environment is (both pre and post natally). The longer you are in such an environment the more negative effects there are. This all makes perfectly logically sense until you see the real life effects.

All my children have gone through more than I would wish on my worst enemy and are still striving for progress, making it through each day, and opening up their hearts to Joel and I. They are all amazingly strong and resilient children.

Today, however, my heart is heavy for my eldest. Skye spent by far the most time in unhealthy situations and had many more pressures put upon her. In our day to day life we are seeing the effects that much more. Cayla and Preston have their issues but over all we are seeing a ton of consistent progress with them. Skye on the other hand takes one step forward and two steps back.

Today I am grieving for the 9 year old she could have been, should have been, if she had a healthy beginning. If her prenatal environment was balanced and healthy. If her early years were marked with love, stability, and consistency. If she knew she was valued and loved and kept safe. Today I’m mad that those things didn’t happen in her life. Today I wish I would have found her earlier to be able to pour in more love. Today I am frustrated that our love, stability, and safety may not be enough to overcome such a challenging start. Today I wonder what her future will be like. I need to remember this:

Romans 8: 28 And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who[a] have been called according to his purpose.

And this from my YouVersion bible reading plan:

Parents are God’s representatives in the family, and that role is crucially important. In the end, however, we have to surrender the results to God because He is the One “who causes the growth.” He will grow our children into His design. While it is difficult to let go of our design and surrender our kids to God, it is God’s will that they grow less and less dependent on us and more dependent on Him.

Here’s the things: it was never Gods plan that Skye, Cayla, and Preston be in my family. God would never plan on children being victims. He let their birth parents make their own (horrible) choices but didn’t just throw his hand up and walk away. He worked in the lives of foster parents and school workers to speak life and love into their lives. He worked in Joel and my hearts to be ready and was there with my kids through it all. In a perfect world, my kids would never need me, but it’s not perfect. God uses the crap to piece together amazing testimonials to his glory and power. He used the broken past to mold my amazing family where my kids are learning about safety and love, where God is a regular fixture in our home, where we strive to model right living. God didn’t just leave everyone broken.

I know all that to be true but some days I’m just so angry at God for letting these things happen to my amazing children. I want to be able to protect them and take every hurt and negative thought and experience away. I guess that’s what it means to be a mother. It also means knowing you can’t and attempting to help your children learn to heal themselves, to point them to the God that heals and lead by example. That’s so hard when you had a morning like we did and I know that if Skye’s early life would have been different her life would have been so much easier!

This will be a lifelong struggle for Skye and those that love her. Today I’m trying to reframe my attitude from made to grateful that God didn’t leave her broken but is using Joel and I and others in her life to slowly heal her.

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