This weekend in church the pastor preached on how to support those that are suffering, especially mindless horrible suffering. It really hit me then that this is why things have been so exhausting for me lately. I have constantly struggled with the idea of God as “good” and “loving” when bad things happen. When people die, get sick, get hurt or make bad choices. How can God be good in those moments? Since coming back into a relationship with God in my early 20’s I have avoided that question. I have sought to find the good when there is hardship but not dwell. In parenting my amazing children I am daily faced with how horrible to world is. Maybe that is dramatic and maybe I am feeling dramatic but think about it. My children are ONLY my children because of abuse, neglect, and addiction. The appointments we go to are to help them move past and deal with all that has happened. We parent our children so much different because they know all to well about hardships and loss. We answer questions no one should have to and have very open and honest discussions about things no parent wants to think about let alone talk about. Every day in one way or another I am reminded how fallen our world is.
Sometimes I wonder if God really is good. If what I say I believe is really when I believe. If when the rubber meets the road I will stand by it. If I can find a way to show my kids that God IS good, even though life is hard. That God is good even when hurting.
Today I came to realize that I don’t need to know the answers or even 100% of the time feel super confident that God is good. I just need to be honest with the kids that I truly don’t know why any of this happened but I will love them and God will love them forever. That sometimes there are no logical answers and things just suck. Sometimes you just need to cry and pray and start anew tomorrow.