Early this week I read a blog post titled Happy Frickin Mothers Day. Naturally this title combined with the fact that it was posted on an online adoption support group piqued my interest. I read it and cried my eyes out. It just hit the nail on be head.
Mother’s Day is a day where we show love and appreciation to mothers. And I hate it!!! It brings up so much grief and loss it brings up.
It’s almost done!
Cayla is probably having the hardest day. Today she woke up and said she was going to school. That today WASNT Mother’s Day. All week the school has been talking about Mother’s Day and all week Cayla had been anxious. On Friday night she just lost it and started crying and saying I didn’t love her. It’s been a whole since she’s had a breakdown like this so I asked her if she was feelin sad. She said she was and she missing birth mom. So her and I sat down and made a card for birthmom. She didn’t finish it one day and asked me to keep it safe in my room until she could finish it. That is how I found myself going to bed with a happy Mother’s Day card to my kids birthmom 5 feet away from me. The next day she finished it. We have no contact but I have started a “birthmom box”. It’s a large storage container and whenever the kids making things for birthmom I put it there and say when they are 18 they can choose to see her and give it to birthmom. Today at church Cayla was so avoiding me! During the shaking hands part she came up to me and stuck out her hand and said “Hi, I don’t know you. I’m Cayla”. At first I thought she was joking but she got upset with me when I said I was mom. She has been just not aware of her body and if what she is doing is rude.
Skye is doing pretty good today. She’s a bit more clingy but she usually isn’t clingy to me so I’ll take it!
Preston is struggling just like Cayla. I honestly don’t think he even knows why. I don’t know if it is because of his own unique feelings or if he is feeding off of Caylas feelings. He has been baby talking, having accidents, breaking things, clingy and in general anxious.
So today and this weekend has been tough. I had some fun things planned that I couldn’t do because the kids needed both parents present. In the end today wasn’t about me, it was about the kids. But isn’t that what parenting is? I know my kids love me and appreciate me. They show me in a million different ways every day. This “holiday” doesn’t make or break that. I do still hate it because of what it does to me kids and I’d much rather just have a normal weekend. Being a holiday weekend it stressed out my kids but it also stresses me out. There are expectations of how Mother’s Day is supposed to go. Expectations kill happiness. I forget that and found myself having expectations about today and what it should be. In the end I’m just glad that today is over and we are all in the same piece!
One thing I kept thinking of today is how different this weekend has been from our normal. It really made it painfully clear how well adjusted the kids are most days. Is there progress to make, of course but today showed me that we have already made a ton of progress. What we saw today was everyday normal behavior 18 months ago. And now it is not! I’m thankful for that!